Welcome back to our Relationship Myths Series. Here we're tackling a myth that shapes our perceptions of life's challenges and therefore the role we take in them:

Myth #4 - Crisis is Bad

The belief that crisis should be avoided at all costs is deeply ingrained in us. But what if crisis, especially in relationships, isn’t inherently bad? What if it’s exactly what is needed for growth?

It’s a common misconception that avoiding crisis means creating harmony. Yet, research suggests that conflict-avoidant couples find themselves at a higher risk of divorce. It is our capacity to ignore or tolerate crises without truly facing them, that is causing us and our relationships harm. 

You see, when we face a relationship issue, often our first instinct is to either distract ourselves with the rest of life or try and get back to what we had - the time when things were good and easy. 

However, the early harmonious stage of a relationship cannot be and isn’t meant to be sustained.  It is a step on a developmental path towards something much more beautiful and fulfilling than the hormone high we are blessed with during that new love phase. 

But how do things evolve? Why don’t things just stay the same? This is where crises come in: 

Crisis is what causes us to evolve. 

Without this fundamental truth, humans wouldn’t exist.

Take a trip back in time with me, about 400 million years. Here we meet Irma, the prehistoric fish who unknowingly became the first living being to ever set "foot" (flipper...blob-like appendix?!) on land. In doing so, she and her kind became the predecessors of every living creature on earth today, including us.

Why would she do this? What could possibly have motivated her to emerge from the only reality she had ever known into something completely unknown and potentially dangerous?

It was a crisis: Things as they had always been had stopped working. There wasn't enough nourishment or there was too much threat... sound familiar? This is just how our intimate relationships can begin to feel when they are ready to evolve.

What I'm proposing is a shift in perspective: Instead of asking what's wrong with your relationship, ask what leap is life inviting us to take? Just like Irma, you might find a whole new world of possibilities (I’m hearing the original Jurassic Park theme tune in my head as I write this).

I am going to round off the relationship myth series in my next post, as I’ve noticed a common thread that I’d like to name and explore explicitly. It's at the core of all personal and relational healing, so very much worth having a look.