This piece feels a little risky. 

Having worked in this field for some time, I have been through a number of phases of development both as a human and a therapist and there are things I wholeheartedly believed in the early days that I now no longer hold true.  

Some of these beliefs that guided my work, I now see as unhelpful myths.  It feels risky to share these because I’m aware I may challenge some of your beliefs, and let's be honest, that doesn't always feel so good.

And yet, my main aim is to help you and your relationship thrive and sometimes that means letting go of beliefs that no longer serve. And so here is one of my controversial views: 

Stop trying to get your needs met

We are living at the height of the pendulum swing from collectivism (suppress individual needs in favour of the collective) to individualism (individual needs, wants, identity are paramount). This is why the term “self-care” has become such a buzzword - if everyone is focused on themselves, who is left to care for anyone else? 

In more communal cultures*, when a person is depressed, they are not encouraged to engage in self-care, they are prescribed voluntary work - selfless acts to help others. And it works, they find meaning, connection and agency in the act of caring for others and they stop feeling depressed. Our focus on “self-care” does not have the same results and so, as a society, we often rely on medication to help mask the issue. 

Similarly, engaging in the question “how can this relationship meet MY needs” often leads to the opposite of a secure, loving relationship, it leads to two lonely and pain-filled individuals entirely focused on themselves and stuck in a standoff of  “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”.

Let me use the metaphor of the human body to explain why this doesn’t work:

• Your body is a whole being made of lots of little parts - your cells.

• Your body (when it is healthy) looks after your cells' needs - providing the oxygen and nutrients they each need while your cells do their part to make sure you thrive.

• Your cells need to get their needs met for the body to be healthy, but they do not focus on getting their needs met, they simply provide your body with what it needs and the result is they are taken care of.

• When a cell stops doing this and instead focuses on its own growth as separate to the body… we call this cancer. 

Here is the hopeful paradox:  When you make your relationship’s needs primary (just as you are primary for your cells) and your needs secondary, you produce the paradoxical effect of getting your needs met in ways that they can never be met when you are focused on them.

The answer to your unmet needs may therefore be to ask a different question: what does our relationship need?

It is counter-intuitive, it is counter-cultural… (r)evolutionary even. How does it land for you?  

*please know that I am not in favour of communal vs individual. My view is that a healthy balance between the two extremes is what we have been missing