Welcome to the penultimate post in my Relationship Myth Series, where we’ve tackled some pervasive myths that often undermine our capacity for deep, loving bonds. Here’s a reminder: 

1. Emotions happen to us - The takeaway: they don’t. We actively shape our emotions and experiences.

2. My partner is a narcissist and other version of my partner is the problem  - The reality: they’re not. They are likely feeling under threat, just like you.

3. We shouldn’t have to settle - The reframe: avoid complacency, yes, but the opposite isn’t leaving - it’s committing to change.

4. Crisis is bad - The truth: not inherently, crisis is the context in which evolution happens.

I hope that some of it has landed for you and opened up new possibilities for you and your partner. 

Reflecting on these myths, there is a common, critical thread: the empowering truth that we have the power to change things for the better.

This much more than a motivational mantra, it is a “shift in consciousness” or an “improved mindset” (depending on the lingo that appeals). Many different scholars and theorists have explored these stages and states of awareness. Here is my take, inspired by Michael Bernard Beckwith's work on levels of consciousness:

1. To Me: Life seems to happen to us, leaving us feeling passive and reactive.

2. By Me: We recognize our agency, taking an active role in shaping our life.

3. Through Me: We become conduits for life's flow, aligning our actions with a larger purpose.

4. As Me: We achieve a sense of unity with life, where our being and actions are deeply interconnected with the world around us.

Everyone, regardless of their background or personal growth journey, can sometimes find themselves in a "To Me" mindset, especially under stress.

When I meet couples in crisis, this is usually where they are painfully stuck, believing they're powerless to effect change, either due to their partner's influence or the overwhelming nature of their relationship patterns. My role is to guide them from the "To Me" to the "By Me" state – empowering each individual to initiate internal and external changes. As a united, empowered duo, they then progress to the "Through Me"stage, where they find alignment with each other and their shared life journey.  I tend to leave the shift into “As Me” consciousness to spiritual leaders, but it has been known to arise in our sessions, gracing our sessions with its profound impact.

One aspect I will write more about in the final post of this series is this: I am not encouraging an either/or situation, but a both/and. When we shift into “By Me” we must take the treasures of “To Me” with us. And then both of those need to be integrated when we move into “Though Me”.