Entering and living in relationship distress can feel like the end of the world, I know this firsthand. The understandable assumption when disconnection and conflict arise in the once peaceful sphere of our love, is that there must be something wrong - with me, with my partner, with the relationship. It is an agonising experience, and I want to offer a perspective shift that can soften things significantly: 

A relationship is a living entity. And ALL living things are continuously evolving. 

Let me explain how truly understanding this can help you cultivate the relationship you most deeply desire. 

Evolution has two aspects - the linear and the cyclical. 

The linear evolving aspect of life is from birth to death, from young to old, from crawling to walking, from small to large. 

The cyclical element is that on this linear path a lifeform ebbs and flows, just like our oceans, our seasons, our breath. 

A relationship has a linear path (unless it gets stuck along the way), from new love, through tough love, to profound love. 

And on this path it is also cyclical; it has its own ebb and flow: from closeness to separation to closeness again. From peace to conflict to peace again. 

The ebbs in connection and harmony are painful, but they are necessary!

Why? Why can’t we just stay in the good place?

Because without the cycle of closeness and distance, and of harmony and disharmony, the linear doesn’t happen.  Evolutionary development requires these cycles in all living matter.

Every time a couple grows distant and conflictual (ebb), it creates a space for each partner and the relationship to grow into. Then at the next flow - reinstated closeness and harmony -  the relationship has not returned to the previous state, instead a new more evolved relationship emerges that is even more beautiful. 

Because, what happens when you add cycles to a linear path? 
...

An upward spiral! And that is where the magic happens: 

In the Tough Love phase, you may feel like you’ve lost your way, when in fact it is the way. Profound Love is what happens to New Love, when it has been through the difficulties of Tough Love.  In other words, there is no way out, but through. Most relationships fail, because they tried to escape or ignore the toughness, rather than because of the toughness itself. 

So, if you are experiencing the painful disconnect and strife of the tough love phase, take heart dear friend, this is the time of tribulation that the protagonist of any good story must face on their hero’s journey. If you tend to these times with compassion and intention, you are laying the groundwork for something more beautiful and it will all be worth it.