As recent events have shown, our world is deeply polarized. Today, I want to reflect on these events through the lens of inner and relational growth, offering pathways to healing and connection.

The Agonizing Loop of Polarization

Like many of you, I have been watching the developments of the far-right riots across the UK over the past few days and have wondered when I am going to wake up from this dystopian dream.

As much as I abhor what they are doing and what they stand for, I was equally concerned by the statement of my anti-racist Facebook acquaintance: You can't have conversations with fascists; you just have to get rid of them. It brings home just how widespread dehumanizing polarization is in our world right now. While anti-racism is virtuous, using the same tactics as those you oppose is a dangerous and counterproductive approach.

Whether it’s the conflict between Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestine supporters, anti-immigration protesters versus anti-racism campaigners, or Republicans and Democrats in the US, these divides—amplified by social media and echo chambers—seem to be intensifying.

How Polarization Affects Personal Relationships

This divisive mindset isn't just a public phenomenon—it infiltrates our personal relationships too. We are often seduced into believing:

- Either I am right, or you are right; one of us must be wrong (and it’s not me!).

- Either I'm the one hurting, or you're the one hurting, because there must be a bad guy and a good guy.

Such polarisation thrives because of the pervasive sense of threat we all feel. Globally, we live in a constant state of collective threat response (fight, flight, freeze, etc.), which isn’t surprising given the meta-crisis we face: overlapping issues like climate change, inequality, mental health struggles, and poverty. The more we perceive threats, the more we regress to primitive safety mechanisms.

On a global scale, this manifests as tribalism—identifying with a group and othering those who disagree. In relationships, it’s a lonely affair where we become two tribes of one, each stuck in a painful loop of hurting and protecting, which in turn hurts the other.

Embracing Both/And Thinking

The only way out—both globally and intimately—is to compassionately calm our primitive responses and shift to a both/and perspective. But what does both/and thinking really mean?

Both/and thinking means recognizing that multiple perspectives and truths can coexist, even if they seem contradictory. It's about moving away from the binary mindset of right versus wrong, and instead understanding that:

- You can have valid concerns about immigration and its impact on your life AND still acknowledge that scapegoating immigrants is not the solution. There are deeper, systemic issues at play that need addressing.

- In a relationship, you can be hurting AND recognize that your partner is hurting too. Both of your feelings are valid, and you can work towards meeting both of your needs without blaming each other.

This perspective shift is only possible with a regulated nervous system that perceives no threat or trusts in its ability to neutralize the threat. When we move into a both/and mindset, we open up possibilities for deeper understanding and connection.

The Path to Inner Healing

Shifting into a both/and mindset takes healing from early wounds AND practice. That’s why I’m creating the Inner Healing Circle, a therapeutic group designed to help individuals like you and me lay the foundation for true relational transformation through inner healing. Once we step out of protective mechanisms and lovingly tend to them, we can become grounded in a both/and place where so much more is possible.

Please stay tuned for more details on how you can join and embark on this transformative journey with others who want to create a more beautiful world starting from the inside out.