In my last post, I described the shift in mindset/consciousness that underpins relational healing and growth (read it here if you missed it) and there’s a final piece that I want to tease out: 

Our path towards wholeness - from “To Me” through “By Me” to “Through Me” (and beyond) - is one in which we must transcend AND include. 

On our personal growth paths, it's common to leave behind old ways of being as we evolve into healthier ones. But, in doing so, we must be careful not to discard valuable aspects of our former selves.

When I look back, I can pinpoint a time when I shifted from a "To Me" to a "By Me" state of being.  It was after the intense phase of early motherhood, in which I felt like I was at the mercy of everyone else’s needs. As I found my way to a renewed sense of self-as-separate from my family unit… the pendulum swung too far. 

I found myself exhilarated by newfound feelings of agency and power (Hello “By Me”!). However, this also led me to momentarily lose sight of the valuable elements inherent in the "To Me" stage - vulnerability and surrender. 

After some time, I found myself more empowered, yet less available for true connection with my husband. 

Another example of this is when a person transitions from people-pleasing to embracing assertiveness and boundary-setting. In their quest to avoid losing themselves to others, they might inadvertently build walls too high, losing touch with healthy compassion.

It's a delicate balance, maintaining the strengths we've developed at each stage of our growth while evolving into our next phase. Our goal should be to integrate, not isolate; to build upon, not just move beyond.

That’s how we find true love - a relationship that involves two whole human beings, not only aspects of them.