Welcome to the Relationship Myth Series!

I wrote recently about the myth that a relationship should meet your needs (read it here if you missed it), and many of you let me know that it was a helpful reframe (Thank you!). So, I've decided to write a series on the greatest relationship myths of our time and how they erode our collective capacity for deep, loving bonds. Let’s dive into

Myth #1: Emotions happen to us

I must admit, I have been guilty of believing and perpetuating this myth about emotions - that they are primal, hardwired brain reactions, and at best, we can only learn to respond to them. However, extensive research contradicts this, showing that emotions are actually created by us and can be reshaped to serve us better.

Why is this shift in understanding important?

It gives us far more power and agency over our emotional experiences than when we believe they just happen to us:

We are not at the mercy of our experiences; we are the architects of them.

How does this impact my relationship?

The truth is both uncomfortable and liberating: much of how we experience our partner is actually created in our own minds. We construct our experience of our partners based on past interactions, preconceived notions, and societal expectations, and they do the same. This leads to unhelpful but predictable patterns in which both partners are in relationship with a constructed version of the other.

If we don’t realise that we can change our emotions and thereby our experience, we end up focused on trying to change our partners which, I'm afraid to say, doesn't work. The good news is that we can begin to feel differently even if our partner is not ready to change (and paradoxically humans usually do change when the pressure is taken off).

Case Study: Emma

To illustrate how this myth operates in real life, consider Emma*. In our couples sessions we explored how she and her partner, Dan, were stuck in a pattern in which their arguments were recurring and never resolved. When they arose, Emma would withdraw before any resolution or repair could be found. She experienced Dan as an angry person who was best avoided and with every incident they became more and more distanced.  Dan, also played a role in this pattern that he eventually stepped out of (relationship issues rarely ever involve only one wound!), but for the purposes of this myth, we’ll focus on Emma's path: 

She revealed that her dad had had severe PTSD when she was little, which he self-medicated with alcohol. While warm and humorous in equilibrium, he could become terrifying when drunk or triggered. Emma learned to associate an angry face with terror and the need to flee for safety.

Now married for 6 years, whenever Dan expressed frustration or disappointment, even over trivial matters, Emma's childhood response kicked in. She perceived his expressions as a threat, causing her body to tense up and her mind to race with fear, leading to withdrawal or a defensive responses.

However, once Emma began to understand the concept that emotions are constructed, she started to question her automatic interpretations of her partner's expressions. She learned to pause, notice her physical sensations as just that - sensations. Once their intensity ebbed, she could assess and seek clarification instead of immediately reacting. Gradually, her nervous system stopped creating “terror” in response to other people’s frustration and displeasure. She became more grounded and authentic, opening a space for honest and compassionate communication with her partner and others.

Instead of withdrawing, she was able to reach out to Dan in those moment of disconnect and they found their way to deeper connection and trust.

This case illustrates the power we have to reshape our emotional responses and, in turn, our relationships. By challenging the myth that emotions happen to us and accepting that we actively participate in creating them, we gain a tremendous amount of agency over our relationship dynamics.

Will this alone fix my relationship?

No, this approach allows us to move from being passive experiencers of emotions to active shapers of our emotional and relational worlds. And this creates a safe and dynamic environment in which other aspects of relational healing can take place.

If you want to learn more about how you and your partner can become architects of the life and love that you both want, hit reply and let me know. I am putting together a programme for couples called “(R)evolutionary Love” that will not only teach you how, but help you take the real life steps to get there. At this point, I’m collecting a list of those who want to know more and who might like to be part of my (significantly discounted) beta round. 

Want to know more about how emotions are made? Watch Lisa Feldman Barrett's TED talk “You Aren’t at the Mercy of Your Emotions”

Next up in this series on relationship myths, I’ll tackle “Your Partner is a Narcissist”, yikes!

*when I write about clients, they are always fictitious persons based on amalgamated case studies. I keep all my client work confidential. The work, processes, healing I describe is real, but the person is made up.